Charcutepalooza Month 7: Everything Is Fun And Games Until Someone Loses Their Lunch

When I made a personal commitment to a year of Charcuterie seven months ago I thought I had a pretty good idea of what I was in for. I was sure I would learn a lot (I have), I was sure I would eat lots of amazing meat (check and double check) and I was sure there would be failures along the way (and how).

Honestly, how could there not be?

My cooking style is more line-cook than baker; I've always lacked the precision and patience necessary for baking. I can follow a recipe and produce cookies or a cake, but that isn't the same thing. I don't have the confidence with precision cooking that I do with the kind of cooking that allows you to rifle around in the fridge and substitute one thing for another. I'm fine with that, but it doesn't lend itself naturally to success in charcuterie. Charcuterie is precise. I am not.

This month's challenge was emulsified sausages. The hot dog is probably the most commonly eaten emulsified sausage in America, but this style of sausage exists everywhere in the world in one form or another. I decided to make Mortadella, both as a nod to my Italian-by-marriage roots and because I not-so-secretly love mortadella. (It's great for when you're craving baloney but want to also be a fancy lady.)

Our emulsified sausage journey was fraught with mishaps, and this should have been my first hint that the road to mortadella would be a bumpy one. First, we discovered that we'd lost the knife for the grinder. The Borrowers must have taken it to make a teeny tiny windmill because it isn't anywhere; not in the sink, not on the floor, not in the drawers - a mystery that will haunt us for the rest of our days. I had to order the part online after failed attempts to buy one at Williams Sonoma, Bed, Bath & Beyond, and from KitchenAid directly. (The latter had the piece but wanted to charge me more for it with shipping than Amazon.com)

Next I had to track down a bung cap, which, oh guys. A bung cap. I ended up with a beef middle. Which is like the skinny open-ended version of a bung cap, while still maintaining all those elements that make a bung cap completely disgusting.

An emulsified sausage requires you to grind meat and fat separately and then basically puree it together with spices - all the while keeping it extra super cold. When the mixture of the pureed meat and fat reaches a certain temperature it is stuffed into the casing, poached and cooled.

Um...so honestly? I would never make this again. The beef middle was revolting. Remember those little balloons filled with water and then tied in on themselves they used to sell in toy shops? And they would slide in and out of your hands in this endless eel-like wriggle? Imagine that but 12 feet long and not a balloon but an intestine. Even after a thorough (scarring) washing, the inside and my hands still smelled like...like...like whatever it would smell like if poop died, came back to life, and then burped in your face, a smell that subtly permeated our house as the stuffed middle poached. The water afterwards was grey and filmy, like a greasy puddle. I am...not a fan of this challenge.

I have cooked pig's head. I have butchered rabbits. I have helped de-fat and knuckle an entire bag of pig's feet. I draw the line at beef middle or bung cap, neither of which will touch my hands ever again for the rest of my life.

So I guess this was a failure, in the sense that I spent about $30 and 4 hours making something I could never bring myself to eat or even keep in my house. But it was a success too, because now I know this about myself - and a little self-knowledge never hurt anyone.